Diversion
by Evie1
Summary: Too Tough to Die, BoP, PNN spoilers; Sara/Grissom romance; Grissom found beauty while Sara found diversion.
1. I Behind The Door

1 Diversion (1/3)  
  
Summary: Too Tough to Die, Burden of Proof, PNN spoilers. Sara/Grissom centric. Grissom found the beauty of his life, and Sara found her diversion. Chapter 1 Griss POV, 2 & 3 Sara POV  
  
Author: Evelyn Chung, aka "Evie" evelynee_c@yahoo.com  
  
Archive: Go Ahead! Just let me know so I can submit revisions.  
  
Disclaimer: CBS owns everything. "What If I Loved You" sang by Joey Gian.  
  
Notes&ThankYou's: Caitlin and Nick; Devanie, Kasey, Heidi, Mush, and everybody else on G/S Mailing list, "Feel the Geek Love". Kai and Sandy for insanity check and philosophical debates just over everything. Do you know how hard it is to get into a GUY's head?  
  
Please R&R.  
  
Behind The Doors  
  
As a crime scene investigator, I encountered the darkest sides of humanity. When I was a young coroner, I used to be agitated over some victims I processed. I could never understand such hatred, violence and brutality between humans. Although evidences always tell the truth, the system, however, does not always bring justices. I used to be frustrated and even questioned my calling as a crime scene investigator. Over the years I've learned to be objective and indifferent on almost all my cases, and I always told my employees, from my experiences, not to let their personal feelings interfered with their work. Evidences never lie. I investigated clues and evidences in the most rational way and reconstructed crime scenes. It would not be true to say I was never affected personally and emotionally. Some cases just made it difficult to keep my emotions at bay. The harder I tried the more I pressed it on my team to do the same.  
  
Crime scenes, evidences, and puzzles. I seldom asked about motivations of crimes, but I was drawn into the world of solving puzzles; when the puzzle was solved, the cased was over. Closed. Just like any other puzzles. Perhaps all my indifferences were a way to keep myself from the ugliness of mankind. Day after day, victims became the names in the files, or cold sags of tissues and organs on the autopsy table. There were never perturbations in my seemingly peaceful mind, and by doing so I would never get hurt.  
  
Then I saw her that day, behind the door of a hospital room.  
  
Sara.  
  
She talked quietly to Pam Adler, holding her hands.  
  
"I will find out who did this to you, I promise."  
  
Her soft voice echoed in my head, pulling a string in my heart. I remembered a warm light filled the room, and Sara had a calm, dignified, and determined expression. Her caring eyes fixed on Pam Adler. There was more than just empathy; I was moved by her faith.  
  
She was so beautiful.  
  
Sara glowed. I watched in awe, afraid of spoiling this moment. Immediately I knew that even if we found the truth behind Pam Adler's misery, the justice might not be served. I would not want Sara to be hurt like I did when I was young.  
  
I told her if she chased two rabbits at the same time, she was more likely to lose both.  
  
She smiled back at me; she always smiled, even during the roughest time in her life, she wanted everybody to know she was fine, and she was strong. Could her forced smile be an emotional wall like my withdrawnness to people? I stepped out my wall to warn her about the damage of emotional attachment, but I forgot Sara had her own wall too.  
  
She was humming a song, scanning through missing person reports. When she was really concentrated, she would sing softly. The coherence of melody and lyrics told her progression of thoughts. "One way, or another, I'm gonna find out… "  
  
I sat down next to her. I told her that she needed a diversion, something to take her mind off work. Sara had been extremely devoted since I met her during her college years. It was necessary to put her entire life in theoretical physics. Sara had carried that kind of work ethic since then.  
  
I told her I rode roller coaster.  
  
I should have invited her with me. High speed motion increases euphoria. I wanted to see her smiles, not the forced, strong out front, but simply out of happiness.  
  
Yes, she said. She was logging off. The forced smile again. I knew she had sat her mind to this case, and she would not let it go till she found out the identity of the Pam Adler. She was as stubborn as me. Whatever she might feel meant a great deal to me, and if she had to fly toward the fire, at least I could protect her from the heat. I told Nick to keep an eye on her, and I pushed the investigation yet again. Her burden was mine.  
  
Later she came to me; her wall crumbled down; her voice chocking; her face teary. I hated to just sit there and watch her hurting, but I had to tell her again, that although evidences never lied, the justice system did otherwise. She had to learn to let it go and move on --- the only way I learned to deal with my pain.  
  
She stood up quietly, walked to my office door. "I wish I was like you, Grissom. I wish I didn't feel anything."  
  
I could not look at her. She was wrong. I did feel things. I could feel her pain. My pain.  
  
I hid deeper back within my walls.  
  
It hurt inside.  
  
(1/3) 


	2. II Behind The Wall

Diversion (2/3)  
  
Summary, disclaimer, notes see part I.  
  
II. Behind The Walls  
  
I was surprised to see him by the hospital door --- typical Grissom, leaning slightly by the door when he was listening to somebody carefully. I felt a little bit uneasiness. He must have heard everything I told Jane --- Pam Adler ---my private thoughts, and my promise to her. I knew he would give me a lecture of being professional and avoiding emotional attachments later. I gave him a smile to hide my awkwardness. "Hey," I said.  
  
Instead of the expected lecture, he told me about chasing two rabbits.  
  
How could he not understand that this profession was my life? Everything I did was personal to me. Seeking truth was a promise I made to Pam, and a promise I made to myself. I held the key to make the world a better place, and this was the exact reason I became a crime scene investigator.  
  
"Catherine has Lindsay, I… ride roller coaster. What do you do outside law enforcement?"  
  
My work was my life. He knew it all too well. It was not even supposed to be a question. Why Griss, you did not need to ask at all. I hated it when I needed to get something done and some idiot was hissing around telling me to relax. That idiot happened to be Grissom now.  
  
But at this moment, he was so close; his voice was so soft and gentle. His heat had been always behind a think wall, but now within my reach, lying out in front of me. How could I be mad at him? I could never be mad at him.  
  
He rode roller coasters.  
  
I gave in. Okay, fine, repeating after you, my master; I listed to scanner, and I read crime books. I am a CSI. What else was I supposed to do?  
  
He tried to protect me. It hurt to know that he did not trust my judgments and my ability to be rational, to control my emotions.  
  
Later I opened my heart to his; I could not help it. Pam was left in a vegetative state but the kid could get away from it just because Pam was too tough to die. I talked to Grissom. I tried to keep my smile on my face, but eventually I broke down in tears.  
  
It was the system, he said, as if nothing important had happened. Pam Adler was just another unfortunate case we investigated. Let it go and move on. I could not believe it.  
  
For a moment I thought behind his dismissive wall there was a heart like mine that could feel. I was not sure anymore.  
  
Of course I knew it was the system to blame, and I did not need him to tell me that there was nothing else we could do. Not with that unfeeling face.  
  
He was behind the wall again, out of my reach.  
  
  
  
(2/3) 


	3. III Diversion

Diversion (3/3)  
  
Summary, disclaimer, notes see part I. "What If I Loved You" sang by Joey Gian  
  
  
  
III. Diversion  
  
A year had passed. When the system failed my expectation once again, he chased me down to the parking lot. It was not about winning, he said; it was more important that we found the truth. I started to revise my perspectives because of his words. However the next communication problem came. The frustration of working with him lead to the leave of absence, but he managed to keep me with a living plant. "Thank you," said the card. I stayed. Grissom was my weakness.  
  
Then he told me that he only started to be interested in beauty since he met me.  
  
Since he met me. Beauty. Besides the shockwave produced when the words first dropped in my ears, I still had a hard time believing he actually said what I thought he said. I carefully chewed on every word. Since. Beauty. What would the words mean? Did we share the same feelings in terms of love and desire? Or it was just his way of compliment? Either way, the words sounded too good to be true.  
  
His wall of indifference slowly melted away with the ice pile. He had changed since. He returned to his old, more open self. He trusted my judgments and my ability of independent work. He did not try to protect me anymore. He would smile at me, and I smiled back. Maybe even a bit flirting between us. He was no longer out of my reach.  
  
  
  
One morning after a very tough case --- a family tragedy ---, everybody on the team was affected emotionally, somehow. Catherine went home for Lindsay, Warrick and Nick went to the casino. I was packing in the locker room and ready to go home and get some sleep despite of my turbulent emotions, when I felt a light tap on my shoulder.  
  
"Do you…want to ride roller coaster with me?"  
  
I had never been to amusement park in Vegas just for fun. Why not? It was Grissom.  
  
Stepping in the entrance I became a little girl again. It was a weekday morning and tourists were not coming in bulk quantity yet. The park was relatively quiet, and the PA system was playing a song, filling the morning air,  
  
"What if I loved you, and I gave you my all,  
  
What if I told you you're all I've waited for?  
  
What if I held you tonight, and I made you feel oh so right?  
  
What if I loved you, would you always be mine?"  
  
Being with him I felt safe somehow. Nick had told me to go out more, and I had dated Hank, but it was different. Being out with Griss was fun; there was no need for ice-breaking talks about work, age, and leisure life with strangers, or pressures on teasing exchanges with Nick. Both Grissom and I knew what we were getting away from. We walked side by side in the morning wind. I bought cotton candy, and torn out half of it to Grissom. My master accepted my offer.  
  
We sat down on a bench. Morning in Vegas could be cold. I had my watch cap and scarf on, and he was wearing a heavy jacket. Despites the thick layers of clothing between us I could still his warmth when he sat beside me. I looked up to the several-floor high roller coaster. The red paint glowed in the golden sunshine.  
  
"So, this is your diversion, the roller coaster?"  
  
"Yes," he nodded. "high velocity motion increases euphoria, the blood flow and…."  
  
I always took secret pleasures in his lectures. I nodded. I knew.  
  
"… When I was a kid, when my father finally came home, my parents would bring me to ride roller coasters. Sitting on the coaster gave me the feeling of being with my parents again; like being home and nothing else mattered, everything would be fine…"  
  
I looked at him. He smiled when he remembered his childhood, and the notion of his parents brought him subtle sorrow on his face. I recalled both his parents had passed away. He never mentioned his childhood and he hardly mentioned his parents except for the case with a deaf child. Grissom's mother was deaf.  
  
I put down my cotton candy. The word "diversion" and the roller coaster reminded me of something I did and something I said. I turned my head and stared at the dark pavement.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked, the same soft voice.  
  
"Remember I told you that you were unfeeling in the Adler case?" I said, slowly. The emotion in me was making a huge wave. "I was wrong. I didn't mean to say that. I am sorry."  
  
He replied. His voice was a little unsteady, but quickly returned to the soft tone. " It's okay. I knew you didn't mean it. I got over it already. I should have been more understanding."  
  
I turned and saw his smile in the morning sun, so warm and forgiving. He continued.  
  
"We are as human beings. We get emotionally attached once a while. It is fine. That is just who we are. You didn't need me to tell you the system was to blame. I should have known that better. I was very touched by what you did for Pam Adler. I just don't want to see you hurt."  
  
I turned back to star at the pavement. I did not want him to see the tears in my eyes.  
  
"Thank you," I managed to return to the cheery Sara Sidle. "Any words from you that you want to take back? We will be even then."  
  
"No." He paused for a while, and then shook his head. "I really meant it when I said I started to be interested in beauty since I met you."  
  
So I was not dreaming.  
  
"You had passions, and you believe that the world will be a better place because of what you do. I admire your faith and courage. There was a time in my life cases were just files, names and puzzles for me. Since you went back to my life everyday was a blessing. Because of your passions I started to see the beauty in everything. I realized how much I'd missed. I could not just let you go again…"  
  
I was speechless. Stunned. Tears running down my face.  
  
"This is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my entire life." Finally I said.  
  
He seemed to be lost in his words too. We sank into long silence, staring at the ground. It was just that easy to wear your heart on your sleeves when you were not looking at each other or sitting side-by-side, eating cotton candy.  
  
Strangely the PA was still all over the same song.  
  
"What if I kissed you, the way you like to be kissed?  
  
What if I held you in my arms so close like this?  
  
What if I touched you tonight, and I feel your body with delight?  
  
What if I loved you, would you always be mine?"  
  
Then I felt his warm hand holding mine. "Do you find your diversion outside law enforcement yet?"  
  
"Yes, and no," I laughed, turned around only to see his eyes looking at mine intensively. The Grissom questioning eyes. I dropped my cotton candy and reached out for his arms. My lips searched for his. He leaned over, closer, and closer. " Which is?" he murmured between my hairs.  
  
"You."  
  
(3/3)  
  
~ Fin ~  
  
  
  
  
  
(Evie's footnote:  
  
Seriously, kissing scene was hard. I had no references and had no idea what it really felt like. I was even a bit embarrassed to write it.  
  
Chaky, the beauty comment is not JUST a statement. It is everything. It was still amazing how a non-shipper like you can nail the GeekLove essence in the first shot.  
  
Thank u so much, Heidi, for the lyrics of the song!) 


End file.
